A Letter to American Boys

Dear American Boys,

Since adolescence, I have spent my years studying you, pursuing you, and trying to suppress my teenage awkwardness in order to impress you. I thought you were the only kind of boy available, but as I have learned in Denmark, this is incorrect.

It didn’t take long after I moved to Denmark for me to notice a marked difference in the boys here. All of a sudden, they smell nice, dress well, and have the most amazing hair I have ever seen. It’s not a general European thing either; on a weekend trip to Berlin I missed the steady stream of attractive men and therefore concluded that Danish boys are, quite simply, the best looking.

So, American boys, now that I have seen that such excellence is possible, I recommend that you step up to your European competition. Luckily for you, I am willing to share a few tips that will allow you to imitate the Danes and impress the ladies.

Step 1: The general look. To look Danish, you must be attractive. You also probably have blond hair, preferably light blond, but possibly darker. You must be tall, but not too tall, and must have the body to pull off skinny jeans. Your eyes should also be blue.

Step 2: The hair. This is important. I am fortunate enough to know several Danish boys well enough to warrant their forgiveness of my excessive hair touching. Touching the hair of Danish boys is quite fun, and it is one of my favorite pastimes here in Denmark. Danish hair is somewhat long, but it is not sideswept like a certain Justin Bieber’s crowning glory; rather, the hair is perfectly tousled on top of the head. Often, the sides are a bit shorter than the hair on top of the head. If you have true Danish hair, your hair will look perfect at all times, even on a bad hair day. There is a difference between a good Danish haircut and a bad one. If the sides are too short…no… Just no.

Step 3: The stubble. You must never be completely clean-shaven. Instead, you should maintain the perfect small amount of facial hair.

Step 4: The wardrobe. Your jeans or khakis should always be slim-fitting. No baggy, hanging down jeans allowed here. You may wear tennis shoes, but only if they are clean and stylin. You should tend to wear pull-over cardigans in all colors, including those traditionally thought of as feminine. Sometimes you will wear a hoodie, but you will still look sharp. When dressing up for a formal occasion, wear a tux. Always classy. Basically, pretend like you are an H&M model at all times. H&M is pretty big here, after all. For outerwear, you need to keep warm in the chilly Copenhagen weather, so you should wear a puffy (but not too puffy) coat with a fur-lined hood. Scarves are also encouraged.

Step 5: The demeanor. You usually look uninterested or bored, and will keep a steely expression as you walk down the city streets. Think New Yorker, but a bit more laid back.

Step 6: The scent. Danish boys never smell bad, but they never really smell like cologne either. I can’t really explain how they pull this off, but they do. Some Danish boys smell like cigarettes due to their excessive chain smoking habits, but this is gross.

In conclusion, American boys, my standards have been significantly raised though living here in Copenhagen. I am spoiled by the plethora of attractive men here, but I can’t help it. Even so, though, I have started to miss American boys a little. I’ve learned that Danish guys (ok, I am generalizing, but just know that my observations here are obviously biased and limited to the people I know) have a certain air of arrogance that is a bit off-putting. So, guys, I recommend adopting the Danish look, but maintaining your sweet personalities. After all, that’s what counts 🙂

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